well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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