listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
