Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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