Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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