Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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