All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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