pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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