he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I need a beard to bite.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Shame - the story of my life.
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