I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
