Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
