I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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