today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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