His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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