You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
