Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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