the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
