i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
