if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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