I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
