i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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