Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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