my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
