dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
