I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
