my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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