i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
