dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
