well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm getting married
To pizza
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
