so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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