All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
