I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
