I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
