that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I touched a dick in church today
Randomize