i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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