the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
