My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
