after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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