If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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