I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize