Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
