I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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