he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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