I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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