we're chasing vodka with high fives
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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