i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
