I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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