People in love make me want to vomit
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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