I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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