It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
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