The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
