i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
