omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
