If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
