sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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