I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
