drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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