Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
