if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
