I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
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