end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
